K...
Kaius...
Kaius!?
"G-good morning Six-eighty-two."
KAIUS!?
"K..." I stammer. "Kaius!? What the fuck!?"
He looks... he looks so...
His eyes are wide.
"I... I'm uh..." He stammers. "I'm here to talk with you."
"You... don't look so good."
Is he okay? The last I saw him was... I don't know. I can't...
"I know." He says. He sits down in the chair, but he doesn't lean back. He's perched on the edge, like he's ready to bolt.
"What... what are you doing here?" I ask.
He doesn't respond.
"K-Kaius?"
I'm scared.
He finally looks up at me. His eyes are filled with a mix of pity, and fear.
"Sorry. I'm just... a little... stressed out right now."
"Kaius why are you here?"
"Just a uh... just a wellness check." He says. "Just a wellness check, to make sure everything was going okay."
"Oh. Are you shocked by..." I gesture at myself. "This?"
He doesn't say anything, he just nods. Then, he buries his face in his hands. I've never seen him act like this.
"Kaius are you sure you're okay?"
"...Fuck."
"What?"
He jumps up from the chair and paces around the room with his hands on his head. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck... Fuck!"
I just stare at him. This is not the Kaius I know. The Kaius I know is calm, cool, and collected. He's the one who always knows what to do, the one who's always in control. This... this is a stranger. A panicked, terrified stranger.
He stops and looks at me. His eyes are wild.
"Kaius you're scaring me."
"I'm sorry." He says. "I'm sorry. I just... I didn't know. I didn't fucking know!"
Know? Know!? KNOW WHAT?
"This damn... THEY DIDN'T TELL ME SHIT!"
My face is stuck in a horrified expression, I don't... I don't know what to do. I have never seen Kaius act like this. I have no idea what to say to him.
He keeps pacing back and forth, now biting on his claws.
"They didn't..." He stops and leans his head against the glass, I can see the desperation in his eyes. "Six-eighty-two this is bad. This is really bad. I... I was on the shuttle here. A regular wellness check. Just a wellness check. A few questions, maybe you could answer a few things. A little chat with your advocate."
"Kaius!?"
"I thought t-that everything—"
"KAIUS!?"
"WHAT!?"
"What is going on!? Please, just... you're scaring me!"
Kaius stops pacing.
"I... I..." He takes a deep, shaky breath. "Its about the donor."
"The what?"
"The... the body. The Taijekan. The... the woman whose body you are in."
"What about her?"
"Well... she had a partner. A male. A Racoon Taijekan, I think. About 'ye tall, the information the ICCU gave to him was... scattered, to say the least. He was the only emergency contact at the time that could sign the forms needed to transport the body here." He sighs.
"Do you... do you know what they told him?"
He nods frantically. "They told him she suffered from cardiac arrhythmia. She was dead, but her brain wasn't, but because her heart stopped, she was going to irreversibly die."
Oh.
"But! But!" He continues. "They could possibly save her, even post death, by kick-starting the body and nudging the brain to fix itself under their "BrainGrow" trial. A... a small chance of survival, but a chance nonetheless."
"And... and they didn't tell him about... me?"
"No."
"About... the mind swap?"
"No."
"About—"
"NO." Kaius's voice cracks. "No, they didn't. They told him she was a candidate for a miracle. And he signed the papers."
The air is too thin, too thick, all at once. The world is spinning.
"What... what's going to happen?"
"That's the problem, I don't know! I... I don't know what they're going to do! They lied to him! They told him it was her, in her body! That she had a chance! They didn't tell him her body was a... a vessel! They didn't tell him her mind was gone!"
I'm shaking. I can't stop shaking.
"Kaius... what do I do?"
"I..." His face contorted in anguish. "I don't know. You're just going to have to play the part until I can figure out what kind of legal FUCKERY is going on here!"
"But... I'm not her!"
"YES! I know! But he doesn't! And if he finds out... if he finds out the woman he loves is dead, that her body is being used as a science experiment... that you're in there... he's going to lose it! And so is her family!"
"Her family!?"
"Yes! He told me everything, that's how I found out! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THREE HOURS WHEN I'M TOLD THIS ON THE SAME SHUTTLE AS THEM!?" Kaius's voice is a raw, desperate rasp. "I'm your advocate, Six-eighty-two! My job is to make sure your wellbeing is considered! Not... not this! I'm not equipped for this!"
The artificial breath whistles in and out of my chest.
"They're... coming to see you after this."
Oh no.
"N-no."
"We don't have a choice! They think they're visiting a loved one! I can't just mosey in there and say 'hey, your daughter, your partner, yeah shes dead and there's a man hiding in her skin!' Do you know how many weird legal loopholes I had to find to get you a spot here!? This... this was meant to be a hold over until I could figure out what the FUCK to do!"
"I can't do this." I say. "I won't do this."
"You have to!" Kaius says, his hands flat against the glass. "For all of us! For them! If they find out the truth, they'll sue the ICCU into oblivion! This whole program, this chance for you to live again, it'll all be gone! They'll shut it down! And you... you'll be... I don't know what they'll do to you!"
"I can't lie to them! I can't look them in the eye and pretend to be someone I'm not!"
"You have to." Kaius says, his voice softening. "Please, Six-eighty-two. Just... for a little while. Just until I can figure something out. I'll fix this. I promise." His eyes are pleading. He's desperate.
"I'm going to die if they find out, aren't I?"
"...Most likely." He says. "The... uh... the public outcry would be immense. The legal ramifications... it would be a nightmare. I'd lose my job, everyone here would lose their job. The... hundreds of patients would lose out on actual care they need! And you... you will die. Almost a hundred percent you, your body, and this body will be incinerated and forgotten." He says, his head falling against the glass with a soft thud. "This is... this is bad. This is so, so bad."
"...I..."
I look at Kaius. He's a wreck. He's in over his head. But he's trying. He's trying to save me. To save everyone.
What choice do I have?
"Please... I'm so sorry... I didn't know... I'm trying my best."
Did Dr. Joric do this?
Or was it Dr. Lira...
Or...
WHO DID THIS TO ME!? TO THEM!?
I am going to throw up. I can feel it rising in my throat. I'm going to be sick all over this stupid, stupid STUPID ROOM. I take a breath. Or rather, the pump takes a breath for me, but its not enough. I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up and I can't stop it.
I lurch forward, my hands flying to my stomach. I heave. But nothing comes out. I just dry heave and my body convulses. It hurts. My throat burns. My eyes water.
"Six-eighty-two..." Kaius's voice is soft. "Please don't... don't do that."
"..."
I take another shuddering breath.
"I am so fucked." I whisper. "I am so, so, so fucked."
"I know." He says. "We all are." He's not looking at me anymore, just staring at his own reflection in the glass.
...
The intercom crackles to life again.
KAIUS OVIN. ALLOTTED TIME EXPIRED. PLEASE EXIT THE VISITING ROOM IMMEDIATELY.
The robotic voice is calm. Dispassionate. It doesn't know. It doesn't care.
"Shit." Kaius says. "Okay. Okay. Damage control. Damage control. Okay." He's talking to himself, pacing again, hands on his head.
He stops and looks at me. His eyes are still wild, but there's a new kind of fire in them. A desperate, desperate fire.
"You have to do this." He says. "You have to. For them. For you. For me. For everyone. Just... just be quiet. Don't say anything you shouldn't. Let them... let them lead. And—"
The door on the other side opens, an assistant I have never seen walks in. The intercom screams at us again.
KAIUS OVIN. VACATE IMMEDIATELY. FINAL WARNING.
"Okay! Okay! Uh... L-Lynette, just... just remember what I told you!" He shouts as he leaves the room "I'm so sorry!"
And with that, he's gone. The door slides shut, and I'm left alone with the silence and the thump-thump-thump of the pump.
Great stones... great fucking stones beneath the soil. GREAT FUCKING STONES OF ETRIL WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!? I can feel the panic bubbling up in my chest again, hot and sharp. I force it down. I have to. I have to hold it together. For them. For him. For me. For everyone.
I am an actor. I am a liar. I am a ghost in a stolen skin. I am a fraud. I have to be.
LYNETTE KYRA GELLER. The intercom starts again.
No.
PLEASE RAISE YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD,
No!
AND CONFIRM YOU ARE NOT CARRYING A HARMFUL OR DEADLY WEAPON.
NO!
I do as I am told. My arms feel heavy as lead as I lift them over my head. "I am not carrying a... w-weapon."
CONFIRMED. ROOM SECURE. PLEASE WAIT FOR YOUR VISITORS.
I lower my arms. The shaking is back, worse than before. My heart is trying to beat out of my chest, or it would be if it could...
The minutes stretch into an eternity. Every sound is amplified. The hum of the ventilation, the whir of the pump, the frantic, silent screaming in my head.
I can't do this. I can't. I'm going to fail. I'm going to say the wrong thing. I'm going to look at them and they'll know. They'll see the monster wearing their daughter's face.
I smooth down the front of my gown. My hands are shaking so badly I can barely keep them still.
Then the door on the other side slides open.
My breath catches.
Its time.
A raccoon Taijekan steps in first. Tall. Grey around the muzzle. Shirt wrinkled like he hasn't changed in days.
He stops just inside the doorway.
Standing behind him are three deer-like Taijekan. Two older. One younger. The older two are a mirror of this body, one with slightly darker fur, the other with a small patch of white on their chest. The father, I'd assume, has a very intricate set of horns, curling in a way that is kind of similar to mine.
"Lynette—"
The woman crosses the room too quickly, hands hitting the glass harder than she meant to. The sound makes me flinch.
"Oh... oh my girl..."
Her breath fogs the barrier. Her fingers splay like she's trying to feel warmth through it.
The father doesn't rush in, he just stands there with trembling hands.
The younger one, a brother I think, hangs back near the doorway, jaw tight, eyes red like he's been holding it in for hours.
The raccoon hasn't moved.
He's just looking at me.
"L-Lynette, can you hear us?" The father asks. I nod, a little too quickly.
The mother sobs harder at that. "Thank the ancestors... thank the ancestors..."
I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
Try again.
"H-hi."
The mother lets out a broken laugh that sounds almost like a squeal.
"Hi baby," she says between sobs.
"Easy. Don't overwhelm her." The father says. He puts a hand on her back and tries to comfort her as best he could, but I could see that he too was full of worry.
"I'm okay." I say. "I'm okay."
Fuck I can't do this.
I can't.
The mother wipes her face quickly. "They told us there was an accident. They wouldn't explain anything beyond that. What happened?"
The raccoon's jaw tightens slightly at that. He knows. He knows more than they do.
"I... I don't remember." I say. It's the truth. I don't remember her accident. I only remember mine. The nothingness. The horror. "It's... fuzzy."
The brother finally looks straight at me.
"You don't remember anything?" he asks.
"I can... remember some things."
"You still hate mushrooms?"
The mother hits him on the arm. "Don't joke right now!"
"But she does! She picks them out of everything!"
Do I? I have no fucking idea. I haven't the slightest damn idea what the fuck a mushroom tastes like. I don't know if I hate them or not. What do I say? What do I say?
"I... I haven't... eaten any yet." I say. The safest possible answer.
"What have you eaten?" The mother asks. "Are they feeding you? Do you like the food? Oh, you look so thin!"
"I... I've been eating. I had a parfait this morning. And some stew yesterday."
The father nods slowly. "That's good. That's good, Lynnie."
Lynnie. It feels so personal. So intimate. So... hers.
The racoon finally takes a step away from the door, and into the room. He approaches the glass, but doesn't touch it.
"Lune..."
Fuck me.
"Lune." He says again. His voice is soft. "I'm here."
"I'm... I'm here too." I say. My voice is a whisper. I can barely get the words out.
His shoulders lowered ever so slightly. He looks so relieved.
"I was so scared." He says. "When I got the call... they said... they said..."
He can't finish. He just shakes his head.
"I know." I don't know anything.
"I thought I lost you."
I just look at him. I don't know what to say. I can't tell him he did lose her. I can't tell him she's gone.
Oh fffuck me.
"I... I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault, baby." The mother says.
"I don't mean to make you guys so... worried." I say, my eyes darting between their faces. I am a liar. A terrible, awful liar.
"We're just so glad you're okay." The father says.
"So glad." The mother repeats, her hands still flat against the glass. "So, so glad."
"Did you get the flowers I sent?" The raccoon asks.
Flowers? What flowers? I haven't seen any flowers.
"I... I don't think so." I say.
His face falls. "Oh. I... I sent them last week. They were your favorites. Star-lilies."
Star-lilies. I have no idea what those are. Do I even like them? I don't know.
"I haven't seen any flowers." I say. "Maybe... maybe they haven't delivered them yet."
"Yeah." He says. "Maybe."
The mother's expression changes. "You look tired, honey."
"I am." I say. It's the truest thing I've said since they walked in. I am exhausted. My mind is a battlefield of lies and half-truths.
"Are they giving you enough rest?" The father asks. "Are they working you too hard?"
"They... they just have therapy." I say. "Physical therapy. It's... hard."
I need to get out of here. I need to end this.
He just nods. "Of course it is. You just focus on getting better. That's all that matters."
"When can you come home?"
Home.
For me? Never, probably.
For her...
"I... I don't know." I say. "They haven't told me."
"Can you find out?"
I shrug. "I could ask." I say. "I can try."
"Please do." The father says. "We miss you."
Fuck me.
"I... miss you too... dad?"
A stolen word. A stolen identity.
He gives out a half chuckle "'Dad?' Since when have you started callin' me that?" He asks, wiping at his face.
Shit did she not call him that? Oh fuck me.
"Oh... I'm sorry. I... I just..."
"It's okay." He says quickly. "It's... it's good to hear." He's trying to be strong. I can see it in his eyes. He's trying to be the rock for his family. For me.
I look back at the raccoon, he's just staring at me. His gaze is so intense it feels like he's looking right through me. So full of love and hope and fear.
What do I do...
The conversation drifts to and from, stories about whats going on outside. Names of friends I have never heard of, them poking and prodding about my routines and life inside of here. I try my best to give vague answers, to nod along, to smile when it feels right. But it's exhausting.
"Have they been letting you see the sky?" The brother asks.
"Through a window." I say.
"Which window? The one in your room?"
"There's a ton of windows in here. On the way here I got to see how high up we are."
"I know, isn't it scary?"
Oh I'm scared alright, but heights is the least of my worries. I just nod. "How did you guys even get here?"
"Shuttle ride." The raccoon says. Its the first word he's said in quite a while. "Shuttle-copters are... weird."
"I thought it was cool." The mother says, trying to lighten the mood. "Never been on one before."
The father just shakes his head. "Too high up for me. Give me solid ground any day."
The racoon cracks a smile. "Yeah, he was white as a sheet the entire ride."
"I was not! I was just... taking in the scenery."
The mother laughs. It's a real laugh this time, but it's the most painful thing I have ever heard.
"Never thought my Ori would be so scared of heights." She says, nudging him playfully.
"I'm not scared!" He says. "I'm cautious."
The family dynamic is so... normal. So... real. It sucks. It hurts. This is their most sacred space.
I need to get out of here.
I need to—
CLAY CLARK. FIVE MINUTES REMAINING.
The conversations fall silent afterwards, everyone has their gaze locked to the ceiling trying to find where the voice came from.
Five minutes. Just five minutes. I can do this. I can do this for five more minutes.
"Looks like our time's almost up." The father says. His smile is gone. The heavy atmosphere is back.
The raccoon, Clay, I'm assuming, clears his throat. "Would it be too rude of me to ask to have these last five minutes for just Lune and I?" He looks at the rest of the family. "I just... I'd like to speak with her in private, if that's alright."
The mother looks from Clay, to me, then back to Clay. She looks worried. But she nods. "Of course. Of course."
The father puts her hand in his. "Come on, Let's give them some space."
The brother lingers for a moment, but then he turns and follows his parents out the door.
The door slides shut with a soft whoosh.
And then it's just me and him. Alone.
Clay takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He looks like he's about to say something, but he stops himself. He just looks at me.
I don't move. I don't breathe. I don't even think. I just... am.
"Thank the fucking ancestors..." He whispers, the words are so faint I can barely hear them. He rests his forehead on the glass, his eyes closed. "I thought I lost you. I really, really thought I lost you."
I just stare at him. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.
He looks up at me, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. "I was so scared, Lune. I-I-I... Fuck."
I look around the room, trying to think of what to say. "C-clay?"
"Yeah?"
"W-what is... what happened to me?"
I already know what this is. I know everything, but Lynette doesn't. Maybe.
Clay looks away from the glass "You... just had an accident, something a normal hospital couldn't fix."
I try to think of what to say next. What do I say?
"What is 'BrainGrow?'"
He looks at me, a little shocked. "They... they told you about that?"
"Just... a little."
"Um... Its just to make sure you don't lose your memories." He lied.
I see him flinch.
Now we're both lying to eachothers faces. But only one of us knows.
"It's a..." He trails off. "It's a new therapy. To... to help your brain heal. After the... the accident."
I nod. I play the part. "It's... working?"
"I think so. I mean, you're here. You're talking to me. That's... that's more than I could have hoped for a week ago."
I nod again, "I guess you're right. Do the... um. My parents. Do my parents know?"
He hesitates, "They know you had an accident. They know you're in a special hospital. They don't know... the details. I thought it would be better to keep it simple for now. Less to worry about."
"Did you... lie?"
"No! No! I didn't lie to them, I just didn't tell them the specifics." He said, a bit too quickly. A bit too defensively.
"You make it sound like its worse than what you're saying..."
"Lune... honey,"
A pang in my chest. Please don't call me that.
"You're going to be fine. Its not bad at all. I just didn't want your folks to freak out too hard, that's all." He says.
My mind is racing. How much does he know?
"I... I'm scared." I say. The words are out before I can stop them.
He seems so relieved to hear that. "That's okay. That's okay to be scared. I'm scared too. We're going to get through this, you and I." He says. His eyes are full of a love that's not for me.
I want this to be over.
"I trust you." I lie, but he believes me.
His shoulders relax. He looks... happy. "I trust you too."
CLAY CLARK. ALLOTTED TIME EXPIRED. PLEASE EXIT THE VISITING ROOM IMMEDIATELY.
Time is up.
"I have to go." He says.
"Okay."
"Is there anything I can bring you? Anything at all? Food, books, something from home?"
"Your... your star-lilies." I say. "If they didn't get lost."
A slow smile spreads across his face. It's so genuine it hurts. "I'll bring you a whole garden of them."
I force a smile. "You always try too hard for... for me." Eugh. That felt gross to say.
"A garden it is. I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Okay."
"I love you."
...
"I..."
I can't say it. I can't. My throat closes up. The words get stuck. I can't lie about this. This is too big. Too fucking personal.
He looks at me, waiting. His expression is patient. Hopeful. Expectant.
...
"I... love you too, Clay." I force the words out. Syllable after syllable it feels like I am stabbing myself over and over.
The smile that blooms on his face is so bright, so pure it's almost blinding. "I'll see you soon, Lune."
He turns and walks out the door. The door slides shut behind him.
Its over.
"Enjoy your meal."
"Thanks."
I lower my tray back onto my lap as the assistant pushes me out of the food line. The cafeteria is full. Not just a few patients, but maybe a dozen of them. All sitting at their tables, eating, talking, existing. My skin crawls.
I look at my tray and sigh a little. Relief? Sadness? I don't know, but the food looks good. It always does because I am hungry. Crepes with a spinach and cheese filling. A grated beet and carrot salad with some kind of sweet dressing I can't place. A yellow electrolyte drink mix thing that smells tart, and a peanut butter cookie for dessert.
The only problem... there's nowhere to sit. No empty tables. Not a single one. Every seat is taken.
I don't get a choice. The assistant pushes me to the closest available spot they could find. A circular table with four seats, two of which are already occupied. She pushes me into an empty spot and clicks the locks on the wheelchair.
"I'll take the seat next to you after I get some food okay? Make sure nobody takes it." He says. I just nod without looking at him.
I pick up one of the crepes and start tearing it into more manageable pieces. I don't dare look at the other people at the table. I just keep my head down, focusing on the task at hand.
They talk so loud, or maybe its just normal and I talk quiet. Their conversations are so dull, about random things. One of them, a fox Taijekan with an eyepatch, is complaining about a new medication.
"...and it makes everything taste like metal! My food, my water, my spit, everything!" He says, poking at a piece of steamed fish with his claws.
"That's better than the shakes." The other, a badger Taijekan with a large set of bandages on her arms, retorts. "I'd rather have a metal tongue than feel like I'm going to fall over every time I stand up."
"You'll live."
"Tell you what," The badger says, "I'll trade you. You take my shaky legs, I'll take your metal tongue. Deal?"
The fox boy just snorts and continues to poke at his food. Their bickering is almost comforting.
"What about you? How bad are your side effects?" The fox boy asks. I look up, realizing he's talking to me.
Oh. Great.
I just look at him. "Uh... Headaches. Lots and lots of headaches and vomit." I say. Its the truth. Mostly.
"Lucky." He says, before shoving a piece of fish into his mouth.
I look back down at my tray. Just eat. Just eat and then go back to your room.
"Dang look at you!" The badger says, "You're covered head to hoof in tubes!"
I look at the tubes in my chest and throat, and the various smaller ones snaking blood to and from the pump.
"Yeah I guess I am."
"Does it hurt?" The fox boy asks.
"Not really."
"Ooooh. Lucky."
Lucky. The word is like a stone in my gut. Lucky to be alive. Lucky to be a thing.
I pick up another piece of crepe and put it in my mouth. Or, try to. I miss the first couple of times but I get there eventually.
"What's it do?" The badger asks, pointing a claw at the pump. I want to tell her to mind her own business.
"Its like a heart." I say "My... my heart stopped."
The fox boy's eyes widen. "Whoa. So you're like... a zombie?"
The badger hits him on the arm. "Don't say that!"
"I'm not! I'm just saying! That's... that's really cool." The fox boy says. "You're like... a cyborg or something."
I shake my head. "I'm not a cyborg."
"It looks right out of a sci-fi movie! You got the tubes and the big ol' thing-a-majig... that's so cool." He says again.
"Cool is subjective. Its heavy, and makes it hard to shower."
"Girl, the hard part about showering is how small they are." The badger says, "The shampoo bottles. I keep dropping them, my arms don't want to hold on to anything."
"Yeah they are pretty small."
Did she call me 'Girl?' I guess. I guess I am a girl.
"What about... you, foxy?" I don't know his name, but I want to sound at least casual.
"Foxy!?" The badger laughs and smacks her hand claw thingy on the table, making my tray move a bit. I hold my hands out to stop my glass from spilling. "I like that. Foxy! Hee!"
"Its Adi, thank you very much!"
"AAAAHAHAHAHA" The badger is laughing a bit too hard for my liking. "YOUR PARENTS COULDN'T EVEN BOTHER GIVIN' YA A FOURTH LETTER IN YOUR NAME!?" Her voice cracks as she says it, she covers her snout to try and stifle her laughter, it doesn't work.
"SHUT UP!" Adi throws a fish bone at her, it bounces off her forehead and onto the floor. She's just wheezing, Adi is trying not to look more red than he already is. "My name is 'Adian,' thank you very much. My mother just thought 'Adi' would be easier for my little baby tongue." He pouts, he doesn't like it.
"I jest I jest!" She calms down a bit, wiping a tear from her eye. "Adi is a fun name but I like Foxy a bit better, rolls right off the tongue!" She says with a smile.
"Yeah as if GERTRUDE is any better!"
"Hey! Gertrude is a strong name! A noble name! The name of a queen, I'll have you know!" She proclaims, puffing out her chest. It's cute, in a weird, toothy kind of way.
"Sure."
Gertrude snorts. "How bout you, cyborg? You got a name or should we just call you 'Pumpy?'" She points at the pump with a thumb. Adi snickers.
Pumpy? Really?
"Its Lynette." I say.
"Lynette." Gertrude repeats. "Pretty."
"Hey, yeah." Adi says, "What about Lynnie?"
"No." I say a little too quickly. "Just Lynette."
Adi and Gertrude exchange a look.
"Alright then, Just-Lynette." Gertrude says. Her voice is coated with mock-seriousness. "Don't get your tubes in a twist."
Okay, that was kind of a good one. A small smile threatens to break through on my face, but I push it down.
Gertrude goes back to her food, and Adi goes back to poking at his fish. I take a sip of the drink and make a face, its very very sour. But good. Gertrude seems to have noticed and is now taking her own swig and making the same face I did.
"Stop."
"Why?" She asks with a grin on her face. She takes another drink and does the face again.
"Because its annoying."
She takes another, more exaggerated sip, and makes an even more ridiculous face. Adi is starting to laugh. "Better?"
I try to ignore her and focus on my beet salad. The sweet dressing is a good counterpoint to the tart drink. I can feel Gertrude's eyes on me. I can feel her grin. I take another sip of my own drink and make a face back at her.
She lets out a loud, wheezing laugh. "There we go!" She says, "She's not a total robot after all!"
I don't know why I did that.
We eat in relative silence for a few minutes. I'm almost done with my crepes. The assistant finally comes back with a red tray in hand. Two whole steamed fishes and bone broth. I dunno what kind of fish it is.
"You guys are so loud." He says as he starts to eat. He's got an earring, a small silver hoop in the right ear.
"We're just getting to know our new friend!" Gertrude says, nudging me with her elbow. It's a gentle nudge, but it still makes me flinch. "This is my new favorite person, by the way. Her name is Just-Lynette."
"Very funny." The assistant says. "Be nice."
"We are being nice!" Gertrude protests. "We're welcoming her to the club!"
"The club of messed up bodies and broken minds?" Adi asks. "Great club. Five stars. Would recommend."
"Shut up, Foxy." Gertrude says, but she's smiling.
"Stop calling me that!"
I finish my salad and start on my cookie. The peanut butter is crumbly and sweet. I take another sip of my sour drink to wash it down. I'm starting to get used to it.
Gertrude is still grinning at me. I can feel her eyes on me. I can feel her joy, her life, her... her-ness. It's suffocating.
"So what brings you to this slice of paradise?" Gertrude asks, leaning forward. "Besides the whole, you know," She gestures at my chest. "Heart-stopping thing." She says it like it's a funny anecdote, not a life-altering trauma.
I just shrug. "I can't remember."
"Aw boo! Sure ye can! Everyone has a story!"
"Gertrude." The assistant says, his voice a low warning. "Leave her be."
"What? I'm just curious!" She says, turning to him. "We're all curious! Right, Foxy?"
Adi doesn't indulge her and instead bites a big chunk out of his fish. He's chewing loudly, with his mouth open. It's kind of disgusting. "She said she doesn't remember." He mumbles.
Gertrude sighs, dramatically. "Fine. Be a spoil-sport. All of you." She picks up crepe and shoves it into her mouth. She eats with the same energy she does everything else, with a loud, clattering noise that echoes in my ears.
I focus on my cookie. It's almost gone. Just a few more crumbs. Then I can go back to my room. Then I can be alone.
"I got in a fight." Gertrude says, her mouth still full. "That's how I got these." She holds up her bandaged arms. "Some drunk Mënskan at a bar didn't like the way I looked." She says the words with a sneer, but her eyes are sad. "Broke both my arms in three places and fractured my spine. They had to put them back together with pins and plates. That's why I'm so shaky. The nerves are all messed up." She wiggles her fingers, and they tremble uncontrollably.
I look at her arms. The bandages are clean and white, but I can see the faint outline of the metal underneath her skin.
"I'm sorry." I say.
"For what?" She asks. "You didn't do it."
"I know. I'm just... sorry it happened."
She shrugs. "It happens. Made me learn to not be a lil' bitch." Her casual use of a word that I'd once spat with is jarring, but there is something... unashamed about the way she says it, and it takes the bite out of the word, it is just a word now. A descriptor.
"What about you, Foxy?" Gertrude asks, turning her attention to Adi.
Adi finishes his fish and pushes the plate away. "You already know."
"Maybe, but Pumpy don't." Gertrude says, pointing at me. "Spill the beans."
Adi lets out a long, dramatic sigh that seems to deflate him. "I tried to kill myself."
...
"Jumped off a building. Didn't work. Obviously." He gestures at his eyepatch. "Landed on my face. Shattered my skull, scrambled my brains, and burst open my eye. Now I get to take a handful of pills every day and have a panic attack every time I see a window higher than the second floor. It's a real blast."
The cafeteria is loud, but for a moment, all I can hear is him.
"Oh."
"Yeah." Adi says. "Oh."
Gertrude just pats him on the shoulder. "We're all a bunch of broken toys ain't we?" She says. "But at least we're still here."
"Yeah. Lucky me."
Lucky.
I look at my tray. It's empty. I'm done. I can go now.
"Anybody want my cookie?" Gertrude asks. "It's making me feel sick."
"I'll take it." Adi says, holding out his hand.
"Bah, sometimes I wonder if you purposefully take the red trays just to get some more meat." Gertrude says, but she slides the cookie over to him anyway.
"Hey you do the same thing with the green trays I don't wanna hear it!" Adi says. "And besides! Protein helps with... brain function or something." He takes a bite out of the cookie.
"Your brain is already scrambled like eggs, Foxy, I don't think more meat is going to help you."
"My name is ADIAN."
"CRY ME A RIVER!" Gertrude says. She leans back in her chair and belches. It's loud and long. The assistant gives her a look. She just grins at him.
I look at the empty space on my tray where the cookie used to be. I wish I hadn't eaten it so fast. I wish I had something else to do. Something else to focus on...
Aw man.
After dinner I held a corner of the rec room hostage so I could read my books. I was about halfway done with The Sunstone Cipher, but I was having trouble focusing on it. I was mad. Mad at Joric, mad at Lira, mad at every fucking assistant here that lied to me about why I was here. They know. They know very fucking well what they did and now they're hiding like little bitches. Probably planning on "fixing" their mistake, but oh, I'm not going to let them. I'm going to make this as much of a living hell for them as it is for me, if not more.
I spent the rest of the night just staring at the screen, not reading. Just stewing in my own anger. I didn't even notice the rec room slowly emptying out, or the assistants turning off the lights, or the gentle nudge on my shoulder telling me it was time for bed. I just sat there, fuming in the dark, until another assistant had to come and physically guide me back to my room.
Pills, pajamas, bed. The assistant shut the lights off and the door locked behind them. And then I was alone with my thoughts. And the radio.
Channel 8. I pressed the button to speak and a red dot appeared on the screen.
"Joric."
No response.
"Joric, you son of a bitch, I know you can hear me."
Still nothing.
"ANSWER ME! ANSWER ME YOU COWARD!"
...
Nothing.
I slam my fist into the bed. It doesn't help. It just makes me angrier. I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel like I'm going to tear this room apart with my bare hands. I feel like...
"Go to bed Lynette." The radio sputters to life. "Now is not the time."
"Oh yes it is!" I shout at the radio. "It is the perfect time! You come in here and explain to me what you did to me!"
"I said now is not the—"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP JORIC!"
The radio goes silent. I stare at it, my chest heaving.
"You knew. You fucking knew. You knew every damn second and you decided to just what? Not say anything?"
"It was better that way."
"BETTER!? FOR WHO!? FOR YOU!? YOU LIED TO ME!"
"I didn't 'lie.' I told you nothing." the radio says back. "That's not a lie."
"You think that makes it better!? You think that makes it okay!? You played God with my life and you didn't even have the decency to tell me what you were doing!"
"Do you think I wanted this!?" Joric's voice comes through the radio tight with frustration. "Do you really think you're the one in a tight spot right now?"
"YES!"
"Well stop. It wasn't my choice where the host came from. Can you imagine what would have happened if we told you the second you woke up? You'd have killed yourself, or tried to at least, and then all our work would have been for nothing."
"And now I'm... I'm... THIS! THIS WAS BETTER!?"
"You are alive, aren't you?"
"...What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Me? It wasn't my choice."
"Liar."
"The Board chose the host. It was either this, or my studies would be cut. If it was my choice I'd have preferred a host with no immediate family, but we don't always get the luxuries we want. I am bound to whatever decisions they make for me."
"You think that makes it any better?"
"I do. I'd rather an unethical start to something that could potentially save the lives of millions in the future. If I just kept my dignity and shut my mouth, I would have lost years. YEARS of work, never to resurface on the desk of the white collar again."
"..."
"I don't like this situation as much as you do, but this is bigger than you, its bigger than me, its bigger than all of us." He says. "And if you'd be reasonable, you'd see that."
Reasonable. REASONABLE. He wants me to be reasonable. He wants me to just sit here and be okay with the fact that I have to pretend to be someone else!?
"And what the fuck are you going to tell her family when I'm out of this body? 'Whoops, sorry she died again?'"
"I'll figure it out."
"That's very reassuring ."
"The Board gave me a year to figure it out, so you will play the part for as long as it takes."
"The fuck I will!"
"Do you have a better idea?"
"Its not my problem!"
"It is, because I control your fate, I am the one who knows how this device works, I am the one who can get you in or out. If this project goes under, you are stuck. Forever."
"That's—"
"No, its time for YOU to be quiet. I have a job to do, I don't need you constantly reminding me that what I am doing is wrong. I know that already! I hate this situation more than you do because I have more to lose!"
"Yeah, like your research is sooo important."
"It is. If you die, only one person suffers. If I lose this, if the ICCU goes under, if ANYTHING goes wrong, the lives of hundreds, maybe even thousands will be lost! Do you understand that!?" He's not yelling, but his voice is intense.
"..."
"So yes. I will do what is necessary to keep this project afloat. And that means YOU, will do what I say until I can figure out a better solution for the both of us."
I slump further into my bed. "You're insane."
"No. I am pragmatic."
"Whats the fucking difference?"
"The difference is that I have the funding and education to back up my choices. You just have your feelings."
"HEY—"
"I will make this as simple as I can for you to understand: For the next year, you will not speak of this to ANYONE outside of this building. You will not mention the NAME, you will not mention the trial, you will not mention what you are. You will BE Lynette, and you will do it with a smile."
"Or what?"
"Or we are all fucked. Every single one of us."
"I... this cannot be legal."
"For citizens maybe. For you? There are no laws that can save you, only your own judgement. And your judgement has been shit from the very beginning."
"..."
"Are we on the same page?"
"..."
"Answer me."
"...I want a request."
"You don't get one."
"Then I'll tell."
"I dare you." The radio says. "See where that gets you."
"Like you said, this is 'bigger than me.' What are you gonna do if I tell? Kill me? I'd be SO sad if you did that right now oh I'd cry my fucking eyes out. Maim me? Rip my jaw off? What are you gonna tell her family? They'd find out anyways. You'd be fucked if you didn't listen to what I want."
"..."
"So are WE on the same page?"
"It depends on what it is."
I lower the radio from my face. What... do I even want? I just said it in the heat of the moment. I didn't actually have a plan. I was just angry. But I can't back down now. I need to say something. Anything.
"I..." I start. "I want..." My mind is racing. What do I want? I want my body back. I want to be myself again. I want to get out of this hellhole. I want to go back to my life. My real life. But I can't have that. Not yet. Maybe not ever. So what can I get? What can I realistically ask for?
"I want..." I say again, "I want one assistant. Not a rotating conga line, one fucking person. I don't want dozens of people seeing me naked or seeing my... my... all this." I gesture at my chest. "I want one. A person I can trust." That's a good start. A little bit of dignity.
"...Who?"
"Someone who knows what this is. I'm not playing twenty questions with some fresh-faced school grad who thinks this is a 'learning experience.' I want someone who knows the score. Someone who knows what I am."
"Who."
"Rylan."
I say the name before I can stop myself. It just comes out. Rylan. The one assistant who didn't look at me like I was a science project. The one who seemed to understand, even a little bit. The one who didn't try to force a smile or a fake reassurance. The one who just... was.
"Rylan is unavailable. He has a full roster already." Joric says.
"Then make him available." I say. "I'm sure you can make that happen."
"I will think about it."
"No. You'll do it." I say. "And I want to see the file on this person. I want to know everything. How she died, who she was, everything."
There's a long silence on the other end of the radio. I can almost hear him thinking, weighing the pros and cons. I can feel the tension crackling through the air.
"...And if I give you these things, you will not... deviate from the path we have set. You will attend your therapies, you will take your medication, you will cooperate fully. No more outbursts. No more... this?" He says.
"I'll consider it."
"Deal or no deal, no maybe." Joric says. "This is a negotiation. You give, you get. Simple."
"Fine." I say.
"Deal."
